Ah, the sticky hot disgusting late summer. A time when your ice cream cone melts faster than you can eat it but you don’t mind because the tear gas that police threw into your back yard has ruined the taste anyway. A time when your scenic mountain hikes to take in the beauty of nature also provide a convenient hideout from the ultraviolent militants who’ve sworn to exterminate your religious minority. A time when kids all across America are going back to school to learn about fractions in math class and electricity in science class and sentence diagrams in English class and that racism ended in the 1960s in history class and that condoms don’t work while abortions give you cancer in sex ed class. A time when your favorite sport, soccer, starts its regular season back up in jolly old England and you can forget for at least a few hours every weekend that assholes are everywhere and they run the world, which is rotten all the way down to its subatomic particles, except no you can’t ever forget that because soccer too is a parade of assholes 24/7.
Summertime, and the living is easy. Let us count the ways:
After BITING A DUDE UNPROVOKED AT THE WORLD FUCKING CUP, Suarez was rewarded with dream move to Barcelona. He’s probably never been happier or felt more fulfilled in his life. Liverpool meanwhile have used the Suarez money to bring in the anti-Suarez, Mario Balotelli, from Milan for an insulting £16 million. Maybe Liverpool are trying to turn their image around after having publicly and steadfastly supported a known and unrepentant racist for two years. Maybe this marks a new beginning for them, the moment they stop being smug, pompous hypocrites, just utter shitheads, and instead decide to be acceptable human beings that aren’t made of garbage. I doubt it though. Subjecting Balotelli to fans that still boo a man for reporting racist abuse against him is a crime and I encourage everyone involved in this transfer except Super Mario himself to strip naked and walk the streets scourging themselves with metal-studded belts, as the flagellants did to repent for the world’s sins in the days of the great plagues.
Elsewhere in the north, Louis Van Gaal lost his first game in charge of Manchester United. That’s fine, whatever, Swansea are good and United’s in transition. And yet. Instead of selling Rooney for being a dumb, puffed up manbaby, Van Gaal made him club captain. Apparently the Dutch Master also doesn’t like Rafael, the one United player who seems to truly understand what that club’s about. And now it’s rumored he’s cool with getting rid of Danny ‘Welbz’ Welbeck, another of the only 4 or 5 likeable human beings that play for United. Things go from bad to worse when we examine Ed Woodward’s transfer business this summer, but yall already know all about that.
Cesc Fabregas plays for Chelsea now. Cesc Fabregas plays for Chelsea now. Cesc Fabregas plays for Chelsea now. Cesc Fabgregas plays for Chelsea now.
Speaking of Arsenal and the weight of unceasing sadness, they’re actually doing pretty good. Spanked City in the Community Shield, a grinding win against Crystal Palace, clean sheet away against Besitkas in the first leg Champions League playoff, all without their Germans. Sanchez is great, as we all already knew, and it looks like he’s already comfortable there. Still, the holes remain. Debuchy is ugly as fuck. There’s precious little cover at center back. In defensive midfield Arteta’s age seems to have caught up with him hard over the summer and Flamini’s better at getting yellow cards than screening for the back four. Up top Giroud is still mediocre and Yaya Sanogo isn’t good. Arsenal can build on last year’s FA Cup win but they have a lot of ground to cover if they want to catch up to Chelsea and City for the title. Teams win tournaments, squads win leagues.
Manchester City are still rich as fuck.
Hey remember Malky (lol ‘Malky’ what kind of nickname is that) Mackay, that Cardiff City guy what done got fired last year by [pick your negative stereotype adjective] Malaysian billionaire Vincent Tan, turns out ol’ Malky (lol Malky) is a multiple -ist! He was a favorite to be the new Crystal Palace manager but his candidacy was brought down by some friendly text message #banter that was made public, sadly all too familiar a story for the ever-more-put-upon white male #lad community. Racial slurs, homophobic paranoia, demeaning female sports agents, what a class act this guy. Yall know what this means: TAN WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG. The Vuvuzela Stylings of Toblerone Jones would hereby like to present him with our inaugural Magnificent Bastard Award.
Our hero. Until next time.