The Age of Özil


The Post-Cesc Era is over, yall. The Age of Özil is upon us. Praise God. Verily I say unto you, these are days of which we hath not witnessed the like. A celestial power walks in the midst of mere boys, our latter-day Zidane come down from the great plateau to mete out blessings and curses on the roiling throng. Truly Fortuna smiles upon we humble vuvuzelists, to live in such a time.

Dost thou know not the golden eye that sleeps and wakes? Dost thou know not the star of the depths? Bask in its glow with us! Read on, dear reader! Join our song in glorious harmony!

Against Sunderland this Saturday, it took the bug-eyed German all of ten minutes to make an assist. Kieran Gibbs sent a long ball up the left flank, and He brought it down and into his path with a touch, not even breaking his stride. He looked up briefly and with His next touch He passed it directly onto Olivier Giroud’s sprinting left foot. Pow, goal. With a cherry on top.

Özil’s arrival has done more for the team than just add his insane talent–look how fucking stoked it got everyone. The Gunners are PUMPED UP, yall! Gifted adolescent/someday worldstar probly Jack Wilshere played many luscious one-two exchanges with Him. Aaron Ramsey got in on the action too, a solid passing outlet that also scored two goals. Flamini, that French (inferior) Roy Keane, seemed to yell a lot, as ersatz Roy Keanes are wont to do. Even Theo Walcott was pretty great–he did everything right, except for getting his shots past the keeper or keeping them on target. But that’s Wal-E for you.

Yet despite the triumphant fanfare of Özil’s first game in an Arsenal shirt, the day’s MVP/MotM was the French guy, Giroud. It’s good to be Giroud right now. His form’s been stellar this early season, his confidence is climbing, he’s got the best final pass in the world setting him up. For most that would be enough, but his all-around center forward play was excellent this game. Adept at playing a espaldas (with his back to goal), Giroud was full of clever flicks and incisive touches in the box. And his spatial awareness, don’t even get me started. Bro seemed totally aware of where everyone around him was and what they were doing. When I saw his pass to put Ramsey through on goal for the Welshman’s second, I made a “Ho!” sound like a Sopranos guy.

Don’t be fooled: there yet remains pain and suffering in Arsenal’s season. A by-now predictable moment of panic and utter stupidity on Laurent Koscielny’s part gifted Sunderland a penalty. Another such moment had the time-travelling silent film star trying to outmuscle American hero Jozy Altidore and push him off the ball, only to be swatted away. Altidore slotted it through after the ref rightly played advantage except OH WAIT THE REF DIDN’T PLAY ADVANTAGE HE BLEW THE WHISTLE EARLY AND THE GOAL DIDN’T COUNT WHAT THE FUCK REF IS THIS IS A COMMUNIST COUNTRY OR SOMETHING I KNOW MY RIGHTS MAN THIS IS BULLSHIT MAN FUCK YOU MAN.

So yeah. Signing Özil didn’t magically resolve Arsenal’s defensive frailties, just as Robin van Persie didn’t silence the howling void in the center of Manchester United’s midfield. But hey, Van Persie won United the league last season. Weaknesses can be overcome. The league might be forgiving, as it often has been in seasons past. But best to buy better center backs in January just in case.

One last thing about Sunderland 1-3 Arsenal: The chairs in the dugout said Nip Man on them. IS THE STADIUM OF LIGHT SPONSORED BY A NIPPLE-THEMED PORNO MAG???

NIP MANGet back to me on this one, dear readers. For I must know.

Thank you for reading.


Meanwhile, in Manchester…

Head injuries: Not just for real (American) football


About andypants

I've got a dirty thumb...
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