Hola hola hola ladies and germs, you’re watching Mixed Messages! I’m your host,
the Tasmanian Devil Carlos Tevez!
It is my grim pleasure to announce that production of Mixed Messages! with Carlos Tevez has gone on indefinite hiatus and production is shut down as of now. I wistfully bounce the remainder of this happy announcement over to one of the only three people in the entire world who understand me. (The other two are Sheikh Mansour and Diego Maradona.)
[FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE]
To Whom It May Concern,
Today is a sad day at the VSTJ offices. Carlitos was sometimes great fun to work with and his inconsistent presence around the site will be sorely missed on occasion. Because I know how much you the audience loved and were eternally confused by the little Argentine, I feel compelled to provide an uncharacteristically serious, straightforward, and honest explanation of the events that led to this melancholic outcome.
Manchester City were thoroughly outclassed by German giants Bayern Munich in their Champions League group stage draw at the Allianz Arena. Completely toothless in attack and having conceded two goals already, in the 55th minute City manager Roberto Mancini decided to substitute holding midfield enforcer Nigel de Jong in for Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko, the only City player who had posed even a shadow of a goal threat, leaving ineffectual holding midfield meat sack Gareth Barry and bullied child Samir Nasri on. Dzeko was visibly angry about the substitution, reportedly exchanging heated words with Mancini and throwing his cleats on the ground in protest. Tevez was reported by the commentators to be limbering up.
A few minutes later, Tevez appeared to have become involved in Mancini’s argument with Dzeko, and seemed to have refused to warm up. Finally, in the 69th minute Mancini chose to bring the aggressively mediocre James Milner on for Samir Nasri, who to everyone’s surprise had in fact been in the starting lineup and physically present on the field until that time. In the 73rd minute left back Aleksandar Kolarov came on for the aforementioned ineffectual holding midfield meat sack Gareth Barry. City were lucky to only lose 2-0.
After the match, Roberto Mancini held a press conference and also talked to reporters in the hallway or something. Tevez also answered a single question in the hallway before the interview was ended, one senses prematurely and at the behest of City press staff/lawyers. Every single publication to report on this story has disgracefully tweaked Mancini’s English answers and reprehensibly misrepresented the garbled translations of what Tevez’s clumsy interpreter told them. The most depressing aspect of this whole affair in fact has been how unforgivably incompetent the English-speaking sports media is as pertains to multilingualism. Their incompetence is especially noteworthy when one considers the fact that literally ALL of its best players except one (Wayne Rooney) are not native English speakers. THIS IS EASY STUFF YOU FUCKING MORONS WHY CAN’T YOU DO BETTER AT TEACHING OTHER LANGUAGES TO YOUR DUMB KIDS IN SCHOOL OR MAYBE HIRE SOME OF THE FUCKING MILLIONS OF FOREIGN IMMIGRANTS WHO WADE KNEE DEEP IN ALL KINDS OF BULLSHIT JUST TO COME LIVE IN YOUR SHITTY COUNTRY AND CARRY YOUR OBSCENE ECONOMY ON THEIR BACKS IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Ahem. Pardon. We will now present video and transcripts of these interviews, as well as translation from Spanish in Tevez’s case and from mediaese in all three of them.
KEY: Questions are underlined. Answers untranslated from Spanish are in bold. Answers in English are in italics. Answers translated from mediaese are in normal format.
[MANCINI HALLWAY INTERVIEW]
What went wrong?
[chuckles] When you start to play a game like this against a strong team like Bayern Munich that has big experience in the Champions League maybe some times will be difficult. I think that we played very well for 30 minutes, very very well. But we conceded two stupid goals and we know from where they can attack, and then we concede the first goal…we talked for four days, at least. But, could be, because Bayern Munich is a top club, it has experience. I think we need another two months to improve in the Champions League but I think that we’ll go in the second stage because we’ll win the next two games.
Bayern are much better than us and I am deflecting blame for that onto the people for whom I am responsible because they played exactly how I told them to play. At the very beginning we played well because Bayern weren’t fully warmed up yet and weren’t trying that hard, preferring to patiently figure out how to rip us to shreds and then doing that. Our problem is that we don’t have enough players. In the January transfer window we need to buy Luka Modric, Wesley Sneijder, Gary Cahill, Thiago Silva, Mario Gotze, Eden Hazard, Giuseppe Rossi, Robin van Persie, Juan Mata, Phil Jones, Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, and Cesc Fabregas. Then maybe we will do better.
What lessons do you want the lads to learn from this tonight?
No it’s a lesson also for me, because we played more offensive, and sometimes if we should, more attention maybe is better. But I can’t understand that, I suppose that we conceded two goals, but we know.
Bullshit question about Villarreal, upcoming must win games
[Boring anecdote about when he was with Inter]… Now, my opinion doesn’t change because I know that yes it was possible to lose this game, probably because we want to win and we want to attack. But this can happen.
This is a lie, I am lying to you right now.
You tried to change it in the second half but Carlos remained on the bench, why—
He refused to…to go on the pitch.
I hate him.
Why was that?
I don’t know why.
I know why but I don’t want to tell you because it exposes my breathtaking incompetence.
What are you going to do about Carlos not coming off the bench?
I think that in a top club nothing can happen in a situation like this. With me, [guess—it’s closing.]
I don’t understand the concept of man-managing or managing relationships with the players, let alone believe it to be part of my job description. Why isn’t reality like FIFA 12?
What was the reason for the substitution of Dzeko?
Because his performance was no good for me, and also because we play every three days. We played three days. He played three days ago, we play Saturday, and for me he didn’t play well.
I am bad at reading games. I am too afraid to actually take attacking risks and send more players forward, even when already losing 2-0. Our problem is that we don’t have enough players.
And he was angry?
He was—I was, I am angry about his performance, not him.
I don’t understand the question.
I think he was angry about the substitution…
Yes, next time he will stay on the bench with me.
I am probably a terrible parent.
That from Tevez is a big challenge to your authority, to refuse to go on the pitch…
I helped him for two years, every time. And from Carlos this I can’t accept. I can’t accept this behavior from him.
My extreme narcissism and egotism render me unable to realize that if it were not for Carlos Tevez’s individual efforts on the pitch over the last two years I would not still have this job. I am as ungrateful as I am uptight and self-important.
Is this the last time he’ll play for City?
I don’t know, I don’t decide this team. Like manager, if I should decide, yes. But he wanted to leave last year. I helped him for two years every time, and he refused to go in, I think that is a strange—
Wah wah wah, poor me.
Do you want him to stay?
No, no no.
No, no no.
What did he say to you? When you said ‘will you go on’ did he just say ‘no’?
Yeah, he said no. Yeah yeah.
I encourage you to believe a reductive version of the events that casts me as the victim.
That’s outrageous. [My head is so far up your asshole it breaks the laws the physics.]
I don’t know. I don’t know also because, we had thirty minutes to the end. In thirty minutes we can change the game. Carlos didn’t play in the start of the season because he didn’t do a preseason for three years, didn’t work well, and because he’s not ready to play. Also because the team played very well for seven games, because Dzeko and Aguero played well, played better than him, stayed better than him. For this reason he didn’t play.
30 minutes being enough time to change a game is actually a fair point but my decision to take Dzeko off while leaving Barry and Nasri on undercuts to the point of collapse its contribution to my defense. Tevez has been outshone by his teammates and this is the first reasonable, competent, and decent thing I’ve said.
[END OF INTERVIEW]
[MANCINI PRESS CONFERENCE]
If one player has a lot of money to play for Manchester City in the Champions League and has this behavior, for me he can’t play. Never.
If we want to improve like a team, like a club, like a sport, Carlos can’t play with us.
With me? No. He’s finished.
Tevez? Fuck that guy. I am shifting all the blame for this situation, and indeed this result, on him exclusively, even though I am in large part to blame not only for our poor result tonight but also for my own terrible relationships with my players in general. Tevez is an easy scapegoat and a welcome diversion that will keep you from examining my own myriad shortcomings.
Roberto, can you tell us why he wouldn’t go on the field of play? Did he give you any reason?
No. I don’t know. I think that he was disappointed because he didn’t go for, like, the first change, maybe. But when I said “Carlos, go,” missing 35 minutes to the end, I think in 35 minutes we can change [guess–‘every issue’ or ‘very soon’].
He called me out for being an incompetent manager and gave me the respect I deserve, which is none.
Dzeko when he came off seemed—
Dzeko was disappointing. I played him in the league game, he played a better game. Poor game. And, next time, maybe if he plays better, he can stay on the pitch. And after, also because we play every three days, it’s impossible that one player can play always well or can stay always on the pitch for 90 minutes. If we want to improve, some players need to improve, like [guess—Vieira.]
Our problem is that we don’t have enough players.
[END OF PRESS CONFERENCE]
[TEVEZ HALLWAY INTERVIEW]
Roberto has also said in that press conference that you will never play for him again. Do you think your future lies elsewhere now? Are you finished at this club for refusing to play?
No, son decisiones que la toma el. Yo estoy de acuerdo. Solamente que me parece que fui un profesional hasta donde pude. Creo que el año pasado fui goleador del campeonato y tampoco me merezco este trato. Entonces creo que es eso, no? Yo pedi para salir, como dije pedi para salir, para irme porque no estaba bien con mi familia, no estaba bien con nadie. Pero ahora mi familia esta aca, yo estaba contento y todo pero el tecnico no me dio la, o no me da la confianza y no me dio la cosa para [guess—jugar.]
No, those are decisions taken by him. I agree. It’s just that it seems to me that I was as professional as I could be. I think that last year I was the top scorer of the league and I also don’t deserve that treatment. So I think that’s it, no? I asked to leave, like I said I asked to leave, to go because I wasn’t ok with my family, I wasn’t ok with anyone. But now my family is here, I was happy and everything but the manager didn’t give me the, or doesn’t give me the [confidence/trust] and didn’t give the thing [guess—to play.]
This was actually a lot of fun to translate. Tevez’s accent is THICKLY Argentine and I really enjoy that accent. Anyway:
Listen, Mancini’s the asshole, not me. My job is to score goals and I’ve done it extremely well. I’m the reason he still has a job. I’m the reason we’re in the Champions League to begin with. I’ve basically carried this team on my back since I came here two years ago. He doesn’t treat me with the respect I deserve, which is a lot. I wanted to leave before because I was unhappy. Now all of that’s over and I’m trying my best to get on with my job, but this asshole still treats me like I’m some kind of pack animal or video game character. Well fuck that, and fuck him.
Ok unfortunately we have to wrap this interview now thank you for talking to us, thank you. [Sports bureaucrats from City are threatening to murder our families with diamond-plated knives if we keep talking to you.]
[END OF INTERVIEW]
So that’s that. Goodbye, Carlos. Maybe forever, hopefully just for now. Either way, we’ll miss you.