Mixed Messages with Carlos Tevez

Hola hola ladies and germs, you’re watching Mixed Messages! I’m your host, the Tasmanian Devil Carlos Tevez!

It’s transfer deadline day! You all know what that means, which is good, because I don’t!


Lil’ Modric is “one million percent” definitely staying at Tottenham, according to notoriously bejowled wheeler-dealer ‘Arry Redknapp. The question of whether the Croatian midfielder will finally fulfill his destiny and star in a children’s television show in which he accompanies his intrepid muppet friends in various hijinks-riddled adventures and raps to kids about the importance of eating a balanced breakfast remains to be settled conclusively.


Samir Nasri joined Manchester “Mad Money” City and walked into the building. Patrick Vieira shook his hand and said something in French I think–perhaps a final word of comfort to the damned soul before the carrying out of its cruel sentence, to float for all eternity through the frozen currents of the River Styx. But Samir seemed to be on downers or something, and didn’t really respond. Paddy’s attentions returned to his bleep-blooper. Then the Sheik’s shiniest newiest acquisition was beckoned ominously into a bland corporate office by a middle-aged middleweight man in a “casual” suit (no tie, top button undone), and the sexy blonde executive assistant(?) didn’t even stay in there with them, but instead closed the door behind them, leaving the midfield ace and the parasitic bureaucrat/fleshbag alone in the dark fluorescent nightlight of the soul. Let us now draw the curtain of charity over the rest of the scene.


Joe Cole’s gone to Lille, in France. So brave.


Arsenal are panicking, linked with everyone in sight. I’d pity them if it wasn’t so hilarious, which it isn’t, it’s boring and sad. But then, that’s funny too I guess…


Diego Forlan went to Inter… hey wait a minute, that was supposed to be my move! YOU BASTARD, YOU STOLE MY MOVE!!!

Well folks, looks like I’ll be staying at Manchester “Mr. Moneybags” City for another few months…never lose hope though!

Fucks for watching everyone. Good night, awful dreams. Until next time (if there even is a next time, which remember there might not be but then again there still easily could be), I’m your host Carlos “Taz” Tevez.

End credits


About andypants

I've got a dirty thumb...
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