Match Report: Villarreal vs. Bayern Munich

Hi Thomas! So, the Champions League Group of Death continues! We would have covered this sooner, but we don’t have to explain ourselves to strangers on the internet who can go fuck themselves if they don’t like waiting for quality match reports (jk don’t go fuck yourself keep coming to visit our site plz plz plz plz). As you may have guessed from the picture of everyone’s favorite young Teuton and perhaps also the title, this post is about how Bayern Munich went to Villarreal’s home stadium and klomped them 2-0. It unfolded thusly:

The Germans were without Arjen Robben due to injury, but it was all kewl cuz Thomas Müller took his place. Müller‘s best as a second striker but he’s versatile as shit so Bayern’s game plan/style wasn’t too affected by Robben’s absence.

Lo and behold, Bayern’s other insanely good inverted winger Franck Ribery made a lethal run past a few defenders almost to the goal line and then cut it back to Toni Kroos, who banged it in with a lovely right-footed finish. This was in the 7th minute. They made the whole thing look easy as Bavarian Cream Pie.

The early goal cemented the tone and Bayern bossed the rest of the game. In the 76th minute Brazilian rightback Rafinha put a bullet in the Yellow Submarine’s net, beating their keeper at the near post. Then he engaged in a HIGHLY MEMORABLE exaggerated running dance goal celebration.


Villarreal tried to make the game a fight but without Cazorla (sold him to Malaga over the summer) their midfield had no dynamic attacking spark. Marcos Senna and Carlos Marchena are great but Senna’s old as shit and Marchena’s a defender. Neither can afford to get risky going forward against a team like Bayern Munich. The forwards had good games, despite the scoreline. Nilmar was good and hella fun to watch as per usual, but Rossi really put the team on his back, Greg Jennings style. They had a couple close chances but unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough to get past Neuer, who’s a fucking wall.

This result puts Bayern at the top of the group with 3 points, Manchester City and Napoli in the middle with 1 apiece, and Villarreal at the bottom with nothing. Things look pretty grim for the Yellow Submarine.

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