[Ed. Note: This is Neil's first post! Show some love/hate/indifference.]
As we all know, it’s an absolute certainty that Jose Mourinho, and not racism obviously why you even bring that up, is ruining Spanish Football forever. What follows is a press clipping that I emailed myself from two years in the future. (Don’t bother to ask how, I do it all the time.)
Things have gone from bad to worse in Spanish football. The nation’s once pristine tiki-taka style has been sullied by the crude hands of Jose Mourinho.
One player has had the courage to admit that at times he finds it hard to go on. “It’s tough to be honest,” said the handsome and church-going Gerard Pique. “I feel so alienated by people I once thought of as friends. Some nights I can’t even sleep. I simply lay in bed all night, with Mourinho’s face haunting me. The game I used to love has changed.”
And changed it has. In 2010, the Spanish side held the world locked in its claws, having swept through both the Euro 2008 Cup and the World Cup with little difficulty. Cohesion in the locker room was at an all-time high. This was of course before Jose Mourinho began his stint at Real Madrid. Team unity has been somewhat different since then.
The first sign of trouble occurred when someone allegedly defecated in the urinals of the team locker room. According to various anonymously sourced reports, team captain Iker Casillas was seen walking away from the bathrooms with a boyish grin on his face.
Around the same time, the Madrid goalkepper began to mysteriously mispronounce the name of national side teammate Francesc Fabregas.
“I still don’t understand it,” the ex-Arsenal skipper said. “I’ve known Iker for years, and then one day he just started pronouncing the G like a J.”
Casillas wasn’t the only Madrid player whose Mourinho-influenced behavior hurt the Spanish side. Sergio Ramos famously spent the entirety of Euro 2012 launching viciously hard tackles, sneaking away from his position to mischievously roll little ringlets of Carles Puyol’s hair in his fingers, and eschewing Spain’s famous beautiful passing game for simply booting the ball down field for a waiting Fernando Llorente to score with headers. Spain won all their games 2-0, becoming the first nation in history to win consecutive UEFA European Championships. As the trophy was being presented, Spanish manager Vicente del Bosque called it “a f—ing disgrace” and resigned, quitting football forever. Del Bosque’s whereabouts are currently unknown.
When asked about the subject, Mourinho dodged.
“What is Spanish football? You keep saying this but I don’t know what it means. Doesn’t each Spanish territory have its own Spanish identity?” He then went on to list the Spanish autonomous communities and casually inserted the word “verga,” which is of course a Spanish slang term for penis.
When asked about the inclusion of the vulgar term Mourinho replied, “Oh, really? So that’s what that means. I honestly thought that was where Malaga was located.”