Mixed Messages! with Carlos Tevez

Hola hola ladies and germs, you’re watching Mixed Messages! I’m your host, the Tasmanian Devil Carlos Tevez!

Hijo de puta have we got a wonderful disaster of a show for you tonight, folks. Buckle your seatbelts, because you’re going to want to jump out of the car before it’s over! Let’s wait a while and get right into it, shall we?

Here on Mixed Messages we generally talk about people giving mixed messages, but recently I’ve started to feel that this is too consistent and unambiguous for the spirit of our show. So in this episode we’re going to discuss some decidedly unmixed messages! That’s right, these messages are clear! The august shamelessness of it all!

Emmanuel Adebayor Loves Real Madrid, Hates Manchester City

The few minutes poor Ade got at City under Mancini were played with a scowl on his face. The Togolese striker was visibly unhappy at Eastlands and didn’t even try to hide it, not that he could have. Things were going bad for our boy, and I thought for sure his top-level professional career was dunzo. But Jose Mourinho got Real Madrid to sign him on loan this January as badly needed backup for the injured Gonzalo Higuain, and things turned around for him almost immediately. Ade still struggled to get regular playing time, but he was scoring and—more importantly—he was playing with a smile on his face again. He said he felt more fulfilled as an unused substitute for Real than as a starter for City. It seemed he’d never been happier.

Not one to be coy, Adebayor started angling for a permanent switch to the Bernabeu right from the get-go. He talked about how much he loved Madrid, how the fans had welcomed him so warmly, how good it felt to be part of the team. He even cut his rastalicious dreadlocks down to a simple and elegant ‘do, because he wanted to look the part and project an image in harmony with the club’s regal history.

Mourinho is best known for his tactical gifts, but his talents as a man-manager are equally impressive. Any doubters need look no further than Adebayor’s story for reassurance.

But Real gon’ Real. Despite having been an unqualified success for them, Madrid sent Adebayor back to City when his loan ran out, and have since very publicly gone after classic Galactico types like Neymar and Sergio Aguero. Ade still loves them anyway, and says he won’t sign for any other club until the last hour of the last day of the transfer window. Hangin’ on the telephone, as it were.

The wait may prove worth his while. His teammates spoke highly of him, and Adebayor claimed the Special One had told him that he would do everything he could to bring him permanently to Los Blancos. Mou himself recently hinted that Real are more likely to sign Adebayor than the pair of galacticos.

Still, for now our boy must endure the hardest part, the waiting. Until Madrid or someone else does sign him, Ade seems doomed to fester in sky blue purgatory. Mancini doesn’t hate him any less than before. So blatant is City’s disregard for Adebayor that they not only left him in shitty ole England while the first team went on tour to sexy America, but informed him after the fact, and via email. Unchill, bros.

***

Luka Modric wants to leave Tottenham

He was like, “Yeah I’d like to move Chelsea now. Sorry yall, but it’s time.” Then a bunch of stuff happened re: Spurs don’t want to sell him. (At least not for less than £?? million.) This is an ongoing Cesc-esque saga, but the mixed messages are all coming from management. Modric is like, “If you don’t sell me I’ll be pissed but hey I’m a pro so I’ll keep doing my job.” The hushed audacity of that guy!

***

Sergio Aguero wants to leave Atletico Madrid

Um, a-doy? For a long time this one has been clear as my amazing wife’s beautiful blue brown eyes. (Take me back baby please I’m begging you!) The guy wants to play at the tippy top level, and who can blame him? He’s certainly good enough to thrive up there, believe me I know—remember how just a few days ago he replaced me in Argentina’s starting lineup for the last two Copa America games? (Speaking of which sorry about that yall but I have nothing to apologize for because the spot wasn’t in the right place and even so it was Batista’s fault that prick.)

MANO DE DIOS I CAN’T TAKE ALL THIS FRANK HONESTY IT’S KILLING ME!!!

***

Hey speaking of me, ME! Carlos Tevez! I’ve got mixed messages going on!

That’s right everyone! I asked to leave City a while ago but maybe no one can afford me and I’ll end up staying jajaja! I’m really expensive. My old Brazilian club Corinthians might buy me but really who knows at this point? For now we see through a glass, darkly.

Thanks for nothing, everyone. Tune in next time! If there even is a next time, which there might not be! This has been Mixed Messages! with Carlos Tevez. Fuck you and good night.

End Credits

About andypants

I've got a dirty thumb...
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