The latest figure I’ve seen on Twitter is €39m for Fabregas. Ridiculous! “they” say. Outrageous! Too expensive! No way is Fabregas worth that much! Well fuck you, yes he is. To Barca anyway. He’s probably not worth that much to other clubs, but Barca is not other clubs. They have special needs.

I am not in the know, but I know. Barca don’t need Rossi. They don’t need Sanchez. They need a versatile, first class defender (more on that later in a different post maybe). But most of all they need Cesc Fabregas. They will get Cesc Fabregas. They must have him. If they don’t get him now, they’re idiot failures. Ambiguity is for dickholes. I am an asshole. Respect the difference.

 ***

“Why buy Cesc?” asks no one. “We don’t need him.”

Because, imaginary dummies, you WILL need him, and fucking soon. Xavi is 31. I mean, doyoyoyoyoy, as time passes his body will fall apart and he is going to die. You are going to die. We are all going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die. I am going to die. #mortalityshrug

***

“Xavi is irreplaceable, so why even bother?” I wonder aloud.

It’s true that replacing Xavi is a Herculean/Sisyphean task. He has no equal, and no one can truly replicate what he does. It’s beyond stats, beyond passes and assists and goals and chalkboards and all that crap. It’s about that MAGIC, MANG! It’s that vision, that creativity, that divine inspiration, that force of will, that jizz (I mean it, literally semen) that spurts out of every soccer website on the internet at regular intervals. In more tangible terms, it’s the ability to boss a game around Scholes/Keane/Pirlo/Zidane style—keep possession, control the tempo, pull the strings, orchestrate goals, score a few yourself. In more tangy terms, it’s a word I’m making up right now: playmakerosity. Boom. You’re welcome.

We can’t expect the sublime from Xavi’s replacement, but Messi and Iniesta can provide that. The other players are either young or in their prime, except Puyol, and they’re all versatile as hell so the squad doesn’t need a serious overhaul. Still, Barca can and must find someone to approximate the earthly attributes Xavi brings to the team, and his tactical role in the system. Dude is a central attacking midfielder who’s versatile enough to show up pretty much anywhere on the field and pose some kind of threat. A universal passing outlet for teammates, the play seems to rotate around him. He is heavily involved in almost every attack, often starting them. He’s fluent in tiki-taka (duh, he’s its fucking poet laureate). Positional interplay and exploitation of space are second nature to him, reflexive. Most importantly, Xavi has borderline telepathic chemistry with Andres Iniesta. It’s fucking impossible to understate how important their partnership has been for Barca’s consistent excellence over the past few years. These things, while wondrous, are not ineffable. These things, other people can do, too. Cesc does these things.

***

“But surely there are less expensive players than Cesc who can do just as good a job as him in that role!” nobody continues to insist.

You insult your own fake intelligence by saying that, nobody! Seriously though good luck finding one.

Alexis Sanchez? Hahahahhahahhahaha come on, that kid’s a winger/forward! The chasing of Sanchez and Rossi has been hilarious. Could have only come from the comic masterminds that brought us Ibra for Eto’o. That one still gives me lolz. (More on this later in a different post maybe too)
Scholes? Just retired.
Pirlo? Older than Xavi and already fucked off to Juventus anyway.
David Silva? Just had a brilliant first year of a four-year contract at Manchester City and was crucial to the team’s success this season, so if they were to even consider selling him (not fucking likely) you can count on an astronomical price tag.
Xabi Alonso? Or Özil? Both at Real Madrid, so, yeah, you can expect a “fuck you pal” on that one.
Luka Modric? Oh man, where to begin with this one? Take your pick: Harry Redknapp would rather sell his left nut; Modric doesn’t want to leave London; Manchester United, Chelsea, and Manchester City all want him, too, so, you know…bull market.
Wesley Sneijder? Plays too far forward, would crowd the space where Messi shines. Credit to Barca and their fans I’ve never heard anyone say Sneijder should go to Barca, I’m just having fun now really.
Samir Nasri? OH BOY WOULD THAT BE A HELLUVA BITCH SLAP TO THE FABSTER. I almost wish this was a serious possibility, just for the grotesque comedy of human pain we’d get to watch Cesc go through. But even so, Nasri is more dribbler than passer, and more facilitator than orchestrator.

Cesc is from Barcelona. He started out at La Masia. His family is there. His best friends are there. He’s been practically begging to go back to Barcelona since his childhood hero Guardiola became the manager. He’s played with the core of the Barca squad at international level for Spain since 2006. His contract at Arsenal is winding down. He’s cheaper now than he’s likely to be for some time. Order now before it’s too late. Just do it. Is it in you? I’m lovin’ it!

***

“Still, Cesc is unnecessary! We have Thiago direct from la cantera! As his performance at the Euro U21 clearly shows, he is ready to play at top level!” protests my empty bedroom.

Shut up, you make believe idiots! Thiago is 20. He’s green. He’s Spanish Jack Wilshere (so better, but not by that much). He’s no readier to fill Xavi’s shoes than Jacky Boy is to fill Cesc’s. (“Gulp.” -Arsenal fans)

Putting the “heir of Xavi” crown fully on Thiago so soon is a huge risk. Euro U21 is great and all, but Barca just won the Champions League. Thiago spent most of this season on the bench or as a late substitute. He has little to no experience in big games, and Xavi’s position is a crucial one. Even supposing he has the talent and ability, it’s a lot of pressure to put on him so suddenly. Cesc has been a linchpin for Champions League regulars Arsenal since 2006. He was in Euro 2008’s Team of the Tournament for Spain. His assist won Spain its first World Cup last summer. Fabs could easily step up should the puppet master suffer an injury or drop in form. This would cover for Thiago, giving him room to develop at his own pace. Consider it Bojan-proofing.

Not to mention, the four players’ respective ages line up almost perfectly. Xavi is 31, Iniesta 27, Cesc 24, Thiago 20. Xaviesta would transition into Iniestegas into Fabriago. Seamless.

***

“Still though, €39m is too expensive! The transfer market is out of control! We wouldn’t spend that much money on anyone!” the void doth protest too much.

You spent €40m on David Villa last year. Dani Alves was €32.5m. Ibra was €66m. Word is you were offering ~€35m for Alexis Sanchez, and that you’ve agreed to meet Neymar’s €40m asking price. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. You fucking dickholes.

***

“Well, I’m convinced! (‘I’ do not exist.) Barcelona must get Cesc and only Cesc will do if the mes que un club hopes to sustain their “winning everything” streak through the long term! You know, you should write to Mr. Sandro Rosell and explain it to him. Or perhaps submit your explanation to a reputable media publication,” says nothing.

I will do no such thing, nothing, and I resent the suggestion! Rosell might not be an idiot, and probably already knows this. Privately communicating it to him would serve no purpose. As for media publications—reputable and disreputable alike—they are all dickholes, while I am an asshole. It’s simply not meant to be.

This stupid blog is an arbitrary collection of my vuvuzela stylings. I made it to bring the motherfucking ruckus. I will not submit to a noise filter! I will not sing your awful songs! I will not adjust to your delicate and refined sensibilities! I will not respect your righteous sense of etiquette! I will only blare my horn in a stadium of blaring horns, fractionally adding to the din. I will only disappear into the dissonance, unnoticed and unremarked upon. Noise in the ether. Like tears in rain.

This 1,402 word post brought to you by The Oil Money Qatar Foundation.

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